Beyond Smiles and Tears
by Niskala
Summary: Beyond all the smiles and tears they've shed lies many hidden emotions and feelings. About Tomoe, Kenshin, and Kaoru. This fic is neither T/K nor K/K, since these are POVs from the three of them about each other. *COMPLETED* please try to read! :)
1. The Woman in White

~*~ Beyond Smiles And Tears ~*~

Author's Note: Read this while listening to "Her Most Beautiful Smile"

-----------------------------------------~*~TOMOE~*~-----------------------------------------

"The past must give way to the future", people say. Wilting leaves in autumn know how it feels to fall to the ground, giving way to the young and new leaves yet to bloom. Wilting leaves, like myself. Yet even as I know that I have wilted, I do not know whether I have fallen to the ground, giving way to the new love trying to reach its full bloom or not. Have you thrown away all the things we shared ten years ago? If you have, then I'm sure this new love you found will bloom and never wilt for eternity. Yet I will never throw away all the memories about you as I keep it locked in my heart.

A ray of moonlight. Again, I'm watching you sit on the balcony, gazing at the moon as if you are trying to make eye-contacts with me. I can see you, Kenshin, but I wonder if you could ever see me again in my real form. 

Ironic, indeed. That when I seek revenge in you for killing my first true love, I found your love and comfort within you embrace instead. I hope you know that through the short period of time we have spent together, I felt the dying flame of happiness within me lit up again. Even if it could only light the little space in my heart that I reserved for you and Akira, it lit my heart up whatsoever. And even if I am not with you anymore, that tiny flicker of flame is still within me. Tiny yet steady, because even all the darkness I have stacked within my crumpled and lifeless heart cannot put out that one flame you lit. I am grateful for that.

My diary. You looked for it in hope of finding my true feelings and intentions, yet did you know that there are some feelings of mine that I did not put in there. Overflowing feelings I could not understand nor express. You probably know already, that I cannot express anything beyond endless grief and refined pose. Yet I tried hard to express my happiness to you, and I hope you know that already too. 

Did you know that I smiled at you before falling into deep and everlasting sleep? Or did you think that I was wincing? I just hope that you can read this and understand how I actually feel, now that I finally know how to express those feelings I did not understand before. The feelings that I thought was bothering me, now seemed to make me smile even wider…

Confusion. That is what I felt when I stayed with you in the ever-so-memorable inn. Confusion between love and revenge, between killing the man, no boy, who killed my first love and learning to forgive and have pity on him instead. Yet without deciding it myself, I guess I have chosen the latter as I have forgotten about the first right at the time I saw the truth that behind the Battousai you was, lies a boy who wants nothing but peace and love.

The moment I woke up in that room of yours, I thought about killing you right away and flee, never to be found again. Yet when I looked at you, I saw a lost boy, trapped between idealism and reality as the reality pushes the idealism off, gulping you into the dark and terrifying truth you now face. I could not kill you. I could not even hurt you. All I can see in you is me, myself. One who is already too confused to actually know what to do then to let the stream carry us away. One whose sanity is fading away with time…

An emotionless mask. A mask I wore since the things I held onto crumbled into dust and ashes, leaving me all miserable and shattered. I did not want people to see me as the fed-up girl who has lost everything other than herself. I wanted people to see me as the refined and proper samurai's daughter who is so dignified that everyone who looked at her would be in awe. Yet I succeeded only in holding the mask of it, and not be the real dignified samurai's daughter in the inside too, as the inner part of me is already too destroyed to be fixed and controlled. I have been taught to control all the feelings I feel since birth, yet the little control I now have over the feelings that raged within me is weakening as each second passes. And I finally understood that you were just like me that time.

Sun setting into the horizon. As we both stood on that bridge that time, I did not know what to feel or what to say. Did you ask me only to stay and help you with your disguise? Or did you really ask me to marry you? I may never know the answer, but I was happy that I stayed with you nonetheless. I cherished those moments and held them carefully in my arms as if they would suddenly shatter and leave me with nothing to hold my smile anymore. 

I smiled in the inside as I gazed at the swaying plants you tended with your worn and bloody hands. I never did expect that hands which have never did anything but kill could make a life out of a patch of land, but you changed my opinion by showing me the crimson tomatoes you grew by yourself. I was chuckling inside when you frustratedly set a trap for mouses who kept on stealing your fruits.

Even as I wish that those wonderful moments could come back, I also wish that you would just forget those moments and carry on with your life as there is someone waiting for you on the road you have yet passed. I will hold on to every piece of the love you have given me as I wait for you at the end of your road when I could show you to Akira, and when you would show me the girl with blue eyes you have come to protect and love.

Kaoru. How I envied her for being able to hold the peaceful Kenshin in her arms, and not the Kenshin who is filled with guilt and remorse. How I envied her since she could express all her emotions without breaking herself. How I envied her for being the one who laughed last. I am jealous of her. I am. Yet I am happy for you and her too, as I am sure that she will hold you close in her heart and never let you go. She will be the one who will distanceall the terrible past and guilt you had inside you, and she will be your sunshine and your rain forever and ever. You will never be alone again, Kenshin. And you will not be a wanderer again, now that you finally have a home to go to.

_The moment I woke up in that room of yours, I thought about killing you right away and run away never to be found again._ Yet I did not do that, and I was left with regret that I did not kill you right away. But now, I think it is for the best that I did not kill you, for I might never learn how the boy behind the mask of Battousai is like. And I do not regret dying in your arms, as it is for the best also. I cannot lift all the burden off your shoulders because I, too, had a burden on my shoulder. But Kaoru can lift all the burden off your shoulder and put a garland of love inside your frozen heart. And I am happy for that.

One thing you should know, is that I will always be there for you. Anytime. Anywhere. When you were out walking with your friends, know that I am there too. When you sit around the table for dinner as smiles and laughs fill the room, know that I am there, looking at you with over-flowing joy. When you stay up late at night and sit alone by the garden, know that I am there, sitting besides you, ever knowing all your fears and guilt. Know that you will never be alone anymore. Never…ever…

Remember. All I could ask of you now is only to remember me as I remember you. Yet do not remember me as the emotionless and sorrowful Tomoe. Remember me smiling and ever so joyful, because that is how I am now, smiling at you for all time as the guilt is neither on your shoulders again, nor on mine. Thank you, that you have showed me what life really means, and that you have taught me how to express my feelings. I love you, Kenshin. I hope you would love Kaoru the same as you loved me and even more, that is the most you could ever do for me, love her and make her smile, just as you have done for me.

_--And…--_

_--…The person who wants to see your smile the most is still waiting for you…--_

_--…wake up quickly and meet her.--_

Author's Note: Well, I revised this chapter again, because while I was writing the second chapter which is about Kenshin, ideas about adding some phrases into this one kept on popping up, and I can't seem to concentrate in making the second chapter if those ideas wouldn't stop bothering me. So, I decided to revise this first before continuing the second chapter! Thank you for reading this fic, however, I really appreciates your time while reading this amateur's fic! n_n

I thank you for reading this, but I would be really happy if you would review me as review is the thing that kept me going in making fics, thank you again! n_n


	2. Crossed Scars

~*~ Beyond Smiles And Tears ~*~

Author's Note: Read this while listening to "Her Most Beautiful Smile"

-----------------------------------------~*~KENSHIN~*~-----------------------------------------

           "If I could become the snow, I would surround you in a cool embrace.", you said. I wonder, how could you say that to me? I, the killer of your fiancé, the wounder of your heart, and the thief of your happiness. How could you? I have always wondered, was it a good thing that we actually met each other? Or was it a bad luck that you met me?

           That night in the bloody streets of Kyoto, I was stunned, seeing you stand there inaudibly, that I could not move a muscle when you looked at me with your ebony eyes. I thought that I was not thinking properly when I brought you to the Kohagi inn, but now I knew more that I realised I was thinking properly for once in years, that I did not kill you. The next morning, I was completely frantic when I saw that you were not in my room anymore. Yet it was not out of concern with your well-being, but out of worry that you would go and tell people who the Hitokiri really is. And I do not want to die just because of my recklessness of not finishing a silent witness.

           You asked if I would kill you like the dark samurai I cleaved if you had a sword in your hand, and I said that I wouldn't kill you even if you were armed. That no matter if whatever happens, I would never kill you, ever, but I killed you nonetheless. I broke my vow, and I still regret it until now. Sometimes I would ask myself, why didn't I open my eyes, so that I could get you out of the way? Why didn't I stop my death blow from killing you? If only…if only… All I could do now is say…if only you did not die…if…

           Iizuka had said that when one is wounded by a katana, the wound will never heal until the person who has injured one, has forgiven him. That scar, the one that Kiyosato made has stopped bleeding after you added another one on it. Yet whenever I think about you, Katsura-san, Kasumi, Akane, and Sakura, the scar would suddenly bleed again, and that made me think. Have you forgiven me for what I've done to you? Or maybe I should ask whether you have forgiven me for what I've done to Kiyosato or not?

           I heard you talking with the landlady once, about the irises you bought from the flower shop. She said that you resemble the irises, as irises thrived more in the rain than in the sun, even if the rain is the rain of blood. I think she was refering to the chaos I, and the other ishinshishi were trying to keep up, while you were trying to be the anchor of all the disarray and confusion. She was right, in my opinion, you were the anchor, my anchor. I am grateful that you were there to make me sane and alive as a human being once more for years. If it was not because of you, I might have still been the battousai I was.

           Thank you, that you have saved me from insanity and have given me love and shelter through all the things that have been my nightmare for years. Even if, I have stolen the only happiness you have ever felt in your whole life, I hope you would forgive me. And forgive me for falling in love with someone else after you.

           Do you know Kaoru? Perhaps you have seen her in one of your dreams when you sleep at night? Perhaps you have seen her face while you lay dying in my arms? Or perhaps you already know that I will someday find someone else to anchor myself to? However you might come to know her, all I ask of you now is only one. Please be happy for us, that is all.

           As I stood in front of your cross with a bouquet of irises, I hope you would look at me with tears of joy, knowing that I am not alone anymore. I hope you would not look at me with fury and anger for I have finally found someone else to pour my love to. Kaoru, she is everything but you, and I cannot seem to figure out how I could come to love her after I loved you. She is all open-minded, cheerful, noisy, bright, and…happy. That is the keyword, happy. I have not seen you laugh. Is it because you were filled with so much grief that you couldn't even grin? Or was it because of me? Was it because that I was so laden with burden that you could not laugh for me?

           She was like thousands upon thousands of swirling waves in the sea crashing together on the shore at the same time if to be compared to you, as a still and unruffled lake. Yet I should say that the sea Kaoru was, is full of swimming fishes and crawling crabs, and your lake dead and lifeless. Yet again, it might be because of me, that you became lifeless and sorrowful.

           " I don't care about your past." she had said, " Let's go home together…". I now have a home to go to, Tomoe. I do not have to be a wanderer anymore, how about you? You said to me that you were a lost cat, so have you found a home? Are you happy with Kiyosato there? I hope you are. Wait for me when all of this is over. When I could meet you there, at the end of this road of my life. When I will show you to Kaoru. And when she would teach you how to laugh, to grin, and to be truly happy.

           She is everything but you. Everything but refined and proper. She has always been so bright, so angry, so emotional, and so unpredictable, so I love her. There is something about you, that I could not seem to get my eyes off you. Yet there is something about Kaoru that I could not get my head off her. I thank you for breaking all the barriers I have built during my time of being a Battousai. And I thank Kaoru for sweeping all the traces of the barrier away and growing a fence of flowers around me.

           Be happy for me, please? I know that I am undeserving of your smile and your forgiveness after all I have done, but do this one thing for me. Be happy, and smile always. Even laugh if you feel like it, because I have never seen you laughing, and I hope I could at the end of the road. Thank you, and good bye. Until later, I promise you this; never will we meet in an alley while it was raining blood no more, and now I'm sure that it was a good thing that we met, since I do not know whether I would meet Kaoru if I did not meet you…

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--…Okaerinasai, Kenshin…--                 ~*~

~*~                                                --…You now have a home to go to…--                              

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Author's Note: Phiuuh. At last the second chapter is finished! I spent three straight hours on this, writing it, rewriting, revising, writing, rewriting, and revising again. I like this second chapter a lot, so please respect it! : ) I like quotes very much, so I think I will be putting quotes like that (above) for every chapter. What do you think? Anyways, thank you so much for all the reviews I got! I thank you for your time in reading my fic and my babbling in here. And I thank you much more for reviewing the last chapter! You guys rock in making reviews! : ) 

* Okaerinasai means somekind of 'welcome home' in Japanese.

Remember, reviews are writers' spiritual food, so don't get writers starving or they wouldn't write more fics! n_n


	3. Woman in Purple

~*~ Beyond Smiles And Tears ~*~

Disclaimer: All characters, events, and places mentioned in this fic are copyright or the original author Nobuhiro Watsuki. All credits are given to Viz comics, Shounen Jump, and other copyright holders.

Author's Note: Read this while listening to "Her Most Beautiful Smile"

-----------------------------------------~*~KAORU~*~-----------------------------------------

           She was the perfect samurai's daughter. I mean, the _Yamato Nadeshiko_ in your life, I should say. She is proper, gentle, feminine, and devoted, yet she is also strong, and able to take care of the household. I could say much more about her, yet I just could not bear admitting that she was much better than I am. It is no wonder that you fell in love with her, yet to think that you fell in love with me, is just hilarious. I am improper, rough, and noisy. I am strong since I can use the _shinai_, yet in womanly values, I am so low because I could not even use the _geta_ easily.

           A shame for her husband, people would say, that I could not walk properly with _getas_ which are supposed to prove my gracefulness. Yet I do not care whether people think, since I have my own values. I mastered the Kamiya style while I am still young, and I am determined to do things I want. I do not care whether I am graceful or not, because that is not my subject in life, I rather choose martial arts. My father did not care whether I am feminine or not, and I myself do not care about that. Yet…I wonder, maybe you do care whether your wife is graceful or not. Maybe you do care whether your wife is feminine or not.

           If so…then what should I do to prove that I am worthy of you? Everytime you look at me, I am happy that there will always be the glint of joy in your violet-blue eyes. Everytime you call my name, somehow I could hear the unspoken words from your lips, saying 'I love you'. Yet all those looks from your eyes, all those words spoken by you, and all those things you do for me just made me feel more unworthy of your love.

           You are the famous Hitokiri Battousai who could kill a tall and muscular man twice your size in a single effortless slash. You are the foremost front of the Chonsu Ishinshishi's plans. People look for help in you, yet from me, what do people look for? What is there in me that people could look for? There is nothing. I have nothing to give, to have, or to share with. But you, you have so much to give, you have so much, and you shared so many things with us, and yet, you still have so much more yet to be shared. 

           I don't think I could ever be worthy of you. No matter what I do, I could never be worthy enough for you to love me. But she, she is worthy of yours. The only thing that is a pity for both of you, is that you first met in the midst of the rain of blood, and that your untainted love was built on top of blood, grief, and war. We met in the daylight, and our relationship was built on swirling tornados and twisting emotions. 

           You should know, though. That my life has always been confusing and twisted with so many emotions to handle at once and so little time before another emotions is added to the list. My life has always been like the puberty period of a teenager, and hers has always been kept still and tranquil. Even if I somehow know that beyond her mask of composure, lies a storm of emotions that raged within her thoughts, she always managed to keep calm on the outside, not wanting anyone else to have pity on her. Yet I, on the other hand has always been dragging people to my personal problems for them to solve it for me.

           If I was to compare between her and me, I would say that I am like a puppy that just couldn't keep still, and she is a full-grown cat, graceful and agile in her every gesture. I am not able to say more about the differences between her and me, it is just too painful. Pain. Is that what you always felt in you life after you became the battousai? Was she able to sooth it with her presence? Am I able to heal it?

           Weird. It is awfully weird how life works. It has always been the one trouble you could not solve that you would face in life, not the other troubles you could solve easily. I wonder why couldn't you just be annoying and unsociable, rather than you caring and sympathetic about me yet not loving me. Or you could be pathetic and has always relied on me for safety, rather than I, relying on your skill in swords yet you protected me only out of gratitude that I had let you stay in my dojo.

           Huff…it looks like Kaoru could not just get to the point before walking around and around first. After all that I have said in this letter, there is still one more thing I want you to know from me then just knowing that I am jealous to death with Tomoe. One important thing you should keep in your mind after reading this, is that…is that…I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul and everything. You can ask anything of me and I will look for eternity long to find and give it to you. You can say anything, do anything and I will still love you no less.

           When you are sorrowful and full of remorse, know that my shoulder will always be there for you to cry on. When you are happy and succesful, know that I will always be there to be happy for you. When you are filled with anguish and you were out of hope, I will give you hope and will cheer you up. When you are lonely and scared, I will always be there to embrace you and hush you cries up. And when your burden is weighing heavily on you, I will always be there to share that burden with you. Even if you might not love me, I will always be there to love you for eternity long and maybe still more.

           Seems that that is all I am able to say to you. Know this, though, that all these words I have written for you to see is no lie. All these phrases I made is not fake, and all these sentences I formed are not based on fiction. Rather, all of this is true. I don't care whether you love her or me, or both of us, I will still love you. That, you should know, Kenshin. 

--That farewell in Kyoto…--

--…shall be the last time when he would leave me behind.--

Author's Note: Well, I think this should be it, the final chapter. But if any of you who read this fic and thought that this fic will and does not make any difference to anyone's perspective, and you think that I need to write one more chapter or I need to revise and change or add some words to it, please let em know through e-mail or review.

**PS**: This fic is meant to make people see that Tomoe does love Kenshin with all her heart, and she wants him to be happy even after her own death. She is no obstacle between Kaoru and Kenshin's love since she died a long time ago before Kenshin and Kaoru met. The dream Kenshin had about Tomoe saying that the one who wants his smile the most is still waiting for him, and that he should wake up quickly and meet her had showed me that Tomoe wished Kenshin his happiness, and even if she does love Kenshin, she is willing to give him up for Kaoru if it meant his happiness. Also, that dream proved that she is no obstacle between Kenshin and Kaoru, and she is not willing to be one, as she supported their relationship. So, all K/K fans and even the die-hard fans have no right to bash Tomoe, make fun of her, or even make her the antagonist of K/K romance stories. Those fans do, however, have the right to hate her because Kenshin won't forget her fo Kaoru or for any other reason, but they should not bash her, since it is not her fault that Kenshin fell in love with her and married her.

* Yamato Nadeshiko refers to a sort of idealized figure of a woman who is considered highly-valued in Japan society. For example is, well, Tomoe since she has the pale skin, soft-spoken, and is skilled in Calligraphy and flower arranging.

* Shinai is the wooden-sword Kaoru uses.

* Getas are sets of sandals that women in Japan used. It is usualy made out of wood and is kind of elevated for about five centimetres or more from the ground. It is supposed to make women who wear it looks graceful, it could be compared to today's high-heeled sandals. About Kaoru not being able to use it properly is only fictional, and is taken from the fic 'Kaoru's Tumble' by BishieKeith. Credits are given to the author.


	4. Always Different

~*~ Beyond Smiles And Tears ~*~

Disclaimer: All characters, events, and places mentioned in this fic are copyright or the original author Nobuhiro Watsuki. All credits are given to Viz comics, Shounen Jump, and other copyright holders.

Author's Note: Read this while listening to "Her Most Beautiful Smile"

-----------------------------------------~*~KENSHIN~*~-----------------------------------------

           Beyond all the things I have done for you and beyond all the things you have done for me, was there the same reason for doing it? In the beginning, I did those things for you out of guilt and respect as you were my landlady. Yet as time passes, that motive changed into care and the sense of family. And now, I think I would have done it out of love. You have been my sunshine that keeps on shining whether it was raining or not. You have been my shelter whether it was sunny or not. And most of all, you have been my anchor through the torrent of life.

           Tomoe was my anchor before she left. She stepped into my life so suddenly, held my hands so tensely and disappeared into the darkness just as sudden as she came. I met her in the midst of the bleeding rain, yet I met you in the midst of daylight. Was it fate that brought me and her together and bad luck that brought us apart? Or was it bad luck that brought us together and fate that tore us apart? Or was it only because I met her when one's life was taken that her life should be taken too? What if I had met her in the full light of the day? Would she lay dying in my arms too? Would she?

           If I had not met you, I would have wished that she is still alive, but now that I met you, my eyes were opened for the very first time. After her death, there was nothing I could do than mourn, cry, mourn, cry, mourn some more and cry some more. Nothing else. Nothing else that I could think of. I have once thought about killing myself so that I could meet her again, yet one thought entered my mind as I was pondering, Why should I be killing myself and giving up on life already when Tomoe could stand up straight again after mourning over her fiancé's death and face life once more. I know that it would be hard, and I started by crawling, then walking slowly while stumbling again and again until I can walk up straight like I used to before I became the battousai.

           Before I knew you, I thought that I shouldn't have get back up again as there is nothing for me to live for. Yet as people would say, I did not know what's around the next corner, and I would need to walk to the corner before peeking over it. Do you know what I found? I found you. Yes, you. The new anchor. The new sunshine. The new shelter. The new girl who would enter my life and turn it upside down and over sideways.

           I could not say who is better, you or Tomoe. Both of you are not the same, both of you are women and both of you have changed my life in a way. Yet I could not compare you to Tomoe or Tomoe to you. Both of you are too different, the rain and the sunshine, the fire and the ice, the black and the white, the torrent and the lake. There is no way I could compare you. 

Tomoe was cold and more reserved than you. Yet to me, she acted as if she had known me for a lifetime and would share everything she would not share with anybody else, I did the same to her too by then. She smiled at me, she cried on my shoulders and when I held her minutes before she died, she was humane, more humane than she could ever be. Iizuka told me that he thinks Tomoe is like a beautiful statue from chalk, it could be seen and admired, but you should not touch it or it would break.

And as for you, I treated you just like I treated her even more delicate as I fear you would disappear just as she did. At first, I did not want to get too close to you or even call you by your name. You insisted that I should call you by your name, though, and in fear that you might leave me if I turned down your request, I did. You told me that I should stay, and I did. You wanted me to help you work, and I did. You would have guessed that I would do just everything you wanted me to do, and you were right and yet wrong.

Did you know that I did all those things for you out of fear? But it was not out of fear that I have toward you, not something like that. It was a fear that someone would get hurt because of me again, and I do not want that to ever happen again. I did not want you to follow me to Edo when I had to fight Shishio, because I feared that you might end up like Tomoe. That you might die by my blade again, between me and my opponent. I build a barrier around you so that no one would be able to hurt you, unknown to me then, you were hurt because I did not take you with me.

You tore down the barriers I built for you and ran to me, embracing me from the back, and said, "I'll always be with you, no matter what, I'll always be by your side." And I was touched beyond words. You did not say it, I know, but from your deeds, you actually did. I do not know whether Tomoe would say the same thing if she was to be in your position or not, but one thing for sure, she would not do the same thing you did. She would have worked behind the scene and manipulated Shishio's gang somehow, but she would not have followed me to Edo. She would never.

As I said, she was different than you. She was nothing like you and you, her. Don't ask why I loved you both, because I myself am confused. I just do not know how or why. But I know one thing, though, the way I loved you both, is different. I loved her as an artisan would to his most wonderful of creation. I cherished her and I would protect her with my very body and soul. I would die for her time and time again if once is not enough. I would suffer anything so that she would not suffer it. I would never bear to see her hurt or scratched, because I loved her so much.

But you, I love you like a father would to a daughter, or like a brother to a sister, but it does not mean that I love you less than I do Tomoe. I would do anything to see you safe and I would also do anything to see you unharmed. But I would not do the same to you like I did to Tomoe. I would not give my life away for you I you do not want it. I would let you just be if you do not want me to protect you, I would suffer anything for you, but would not if you do not want me to. I would never bear to see you hurt or harmed in any way, but I would let you be if you want to go to harm's way, because I loved you so much.

           Now you tell me which one is better; my love for Tomoe or for you? I could not tell myself and so I want you to decide yourself. But know this, in my heart, there will always be a place where Tomoe would always live on, she opened me up and guided me through life, keeping my sanity. If not for her, I would not have lived until this day, I would not have met you and I would not have Kenji. She would alwayd be remembered as my first wife and the woman who loved the battousai.

           You will always have a place in my heart too, and you place will always be full of love, happiness and joy. You lifted me up from my sorrow and washed all my guilt away. You cleaned up after Tomoe who crumbled my barrier. Tomoe wiped the tears off my face and you put a smile on it. She showed me what love is and you gave it to me. What could I say? I love you both, but for now, I should say I love you and I loved Tomoe. But again, she will always be in my heart, but you will always have my heart with you. Always.

           I never thought I deserve someone like you or Tomoe. I never thought that I would deserve anything but a black and white world, yet Tomoe slapped me on the face and destroyed all the things I held on to before while you showed me all the beautiful things in the world that I have not seen before. You showed me what a family is, you showed me what peace feels like and you showed me a world where bloodshed is not needed. Mostly, you showed me what life is, and I owe you that and more.

           Kaoru, please forgive me for what I said. Forgive me that I admit to you that I cannot choose over you or Tomoe, that I cannot make a decision you would have wished to hear. Yet this is all I could get out of me and this is all I could show you, I cannot think of anything else to say. This is all. I owe you so much and saying this just made me owe you an amend, but I hope you would give me time to pay all this back to you. In return, I will protect you and Kenji, I will love you with all I am, I will do anything you want me to do out of love. I will be myself and yours, I hope that is enough because, I still owe much to Tomoe too. And in the end of my road, I will have to pay it back. I just hope that me not a killer anymore is enough and I dare say, it would be a very happy ending indeed.

           I will show you Tomoe and I am sure you will like her, and she will show me the real Kiyosato as she saw him. We will all be so happy. In the end, all sorrows and past mistakes will be forgotten. In the end, I will be clean again from blood and perhaps then, I will be good enough for you. For you and for Tomoe.

"I will stay forever here with you, 

_My love._

_The softly spoken words you gave me,_

_Even in death our love goes on,_

_And I can't love you, anymore than I do."_

_-- Sarah McLachlan, Even In Death_

*-~`-~.-~*~fin~*~-.~-`~-*

Author's Note: I'm sorry to have kept you waiting for so long, but I thought that I uploaded the last chapter already! This will be the last chapter because I think that the third chapter was not very conclusive and the story somehow hung in the middle of nowhere, so I made this chapter to drag the former chapters back down! :) I thank you for all your supports because you guys are the ones who kept me going even if I felt like the worst writer ever, I can thank you no less than this and I hope you guys will always like Rurouni Kenshin or at least remember it, RK 4eva!!! : P 

PS: I'm planning on editing the chapters and revising them again, but I will need some help from beta-readers who would want to volunteer. If anyone is interested, please tell me in your review or you can e-mail me at orcinusorca988@hotmail.com. Thank you.


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